Tā kā joki bija tik daudz, nolēmu netulkot + vēl, tulkojot iespējams pazustu joka būtība. Enjoy
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Well... The bad news first... Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news? Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
Doctor: I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell first? Patient: Do begin with the bad news, please. Doctor: Alright. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS. Patient: Good grief! What's the good news? Doctor: The good news is that there is no more bad news.
Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news, which shall I tell first? Patient: Uhhh, well, give me the bad news first, I guess. Doctor: You only have one week left to live. Patient: Oh no! What good news can you possibly tell me now? Doctor: Well, you know that really hot-looking nurse who just came in here? I'm taking her out to dinner tonight, and who knows where the night will end!
This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: Well, give me the bad news first. Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left. Patient: OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??? Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.
What's the best thing about having Alzheimer's Disease? You can hide your own Easter eggs. You are always meeting new people. You never have to watch reruns on television.
Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital! Nurse: What is it? Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!
Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature? Nurse: No. Is it missing?
Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this? Patient: Yes. Doctor: Well, don't do that.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters? Nurse: No change yet.
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow. Doctor: How do you feel? Patient: A little down in the mouth.
Patient: Doctor, what fish did you say I have? Doctor: Not a fish, stupid, cancer!
Patient: Doctor, I've got five penises. Doctor: Well, how do your pants fit? Patient: Like a glove.
Doctor: Have you ever had this before? Patient: Yes. Doctor: Well, you've got it again.
Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in? Doctor: A shoebox.
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people. Doctor: Tell me about your problem. Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid bastard!!!!!
Patient to optometrist: I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances? Optometrist to patient: Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference.
Patient walks into a doctor's office. Patient: Doctor, people ignore me. Doctor: Next!
Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything! Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem? Patient: What problem? Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory? Patient: What pills?
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and smoking, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room. Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.
Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown. Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
Patient: Well, doc, what does the X-ray of my head show? Doctor: Nothing.
Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails? Doctor: No, throw them away like everybody else.
Patient: Doctor, is there anything worse than being old and bent? Doctor: Yes there is...being young and broke.
Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in used toaster oven aluminum foil, what's wrong with me? Doctor: You have far too much free time.
Patient: Doctor, ya gotta help me. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm. Doctor: Really! What are you taking for it? Patient (with a grin): Black pepper!
Patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor. Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out. Patient: I wanna second opinion. Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed. Doctor: You should cut down on drinks. Patient: I don't touch a drop. Doctor: You should cut down on smoking. Patient: I don't smoke. Doctor: You should stop taking drugs. Patient: I don't do drugs. Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing. Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life. Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends.
Patient: Tell me, doctor. Is it serious? Doctor: Well, I wouldn't advise you to start watching any serials on TV.
Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses. Teller: You certainly do. This is a bank.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble? Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say. Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt, doctor? Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.
Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription? Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 200 bones in the human body? Tom: Shhh, doctor! My dog's outside in the waiting room!
Congratulations, Mr Brown, you're in great shape for a man of sixty. Pity you're only forty.
Patient: Doctor, you've gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out." Doctor: That's easy. Eat shit.
Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!!! Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!
Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor. Doctor: Oh, really? Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!
